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There is much talk about a mother's love, but little about a father's love.  A TRUE loving father.  Let it be known, there is a DIFFERENT type of  father's love  that is just as strong as a mother's love.  Again, a true LOVING father.  But it is different.  Both are important - a mother's love AND a father's love - and both are necessary for a child's best growth per several recent and creditable substantiating studies.  They are easily found by anyone serious in looking.

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Anyway, the following stems from a recent discussion with a co-worker about our daughters.  I shared the 5 questions I had for my daughter's potential boyfriends/dates with him for his consideration and he thought it to be very beneficial.  So my offering now to you the reader for your consideration.

My intent was before any boy BEGINS to date MY daughter, he would have to go through an "interview".  A very special CRITICAL interview.  Only 5 questions but those 5 questions would tell me a lot about his character, upbringing and deep seated inner motivation.  In other words, what the likelihood of his future might be - positive, negative or just ok.  Or, ... whether he would be a potential good "match" for my daughter to make her happy and content.  Maybe even a future husband...

And yes, when she thought it was appropriate, my daughter did bring her boyfriend home and asked me to "interview" him.  

As I say, I offer the following for YOUR consideration.  I have added some slight updated modifications that I would suggest today.

Those 5 questions are:

A similar yet slightly different direction to ask to pull out the same information - Have you been a waiter in a restaurant?  What kind of restaurant - first class linen-on-the-table-fresh-flowers-on-the-table, family, fast food or just take out food establishment - and for how long?  Was it over 1 1/2 to 3 years?  Tell me about the experience.  

Whatever type of service, business or employment it is, it tells you a lot about the character of the individual whether they are entrepreneurs or employees or just plain lazy.  Can they work without supervision or do they need someone over them doing everything for them and telling them what to do and pushing them in how to do it?  How long they worked whatever service job they had tells you about their attitude of stick-to-itiveness and responsibility of getting things done in all kinds of weather, all seasons of the year regardless of circumstances and "pulls" of desire.  Did they start the activity early in their teenage years or later after high school teenage years or even later still during their college years?  It tells you about their eagerness and their work-ethics assuming they have some.  It also tells you about his parents' training skills and content or lack of them.  It may even tell you about the respect he has of his parents and others.

        or                or ?

Again, this first "job" or series of jobs tell you whether they are looking out for themself or serving others as THE CUSTOMERS need to be served, when THE CUSTOMERS need to be served and how THE CUSTOMERS need to be served.  Where is the focus - on others in serving  them  or  on himself  and  his own needs and desires?  It tells you whether they are flexible depending on the business needs, the employer, the CUSTOMERS, the items purchased and how the items purchased need to be delivered to THE CUSTOMERS.

It tells you whether they are willing to start at the bottom of the employment cycle or an entry level position and follow directions or do they expect to wait around until "things" are handed to them or do they expect to be the leader right from the get-go before they are really ready to be a leader without the practical training first.  Or do they expect a "cushy" job not really needing to think.

It also tells you whether they are humble enough to be a "waiter" or in another entry-level service type position vs. a "prestigious" job/profession right off the bat.  It tells you a lot more as well as "service professions" are outstanding opportunities that teach a ton of beneficial things to be extremely useful later in life.  Without that background they may struggle more than necessary to get ahead in the future.  Their work-ethic or lack of it sets the stage for later on in their life.  Their struggling later on might affect my daughter if the relationship were to continue and develop and this question can ferret that out.

It has been proven in society that the first 3 to 6 years are the most important years of a child's life.  These critical years of a child's life do more to form their character for the rest of their lives then at any other time of their life.  The youth years are next in importance.  They set the stage for seeds of cooperation, love, joy, happiness and great family and human relations ... or ... friction, deception, horrible human relations even hate and rank rebellion, which often come more to fruition later in their teenage to young adult years.  

What kind of future family do you want your daughter involved in?  

Try to find out about their parent's religion and political persuasion and their character and attitudes about child-rearing, family, relationships and work.  That tells a lot more in how they were trained and what they believe and will believe in the future.  Like father the son will become.  Like mother the daughter will become.  

Find out the negatives as well as the positives.  We are talking about our daughters.  Find out as much as possible about this "potential" and his background.  Your daughter's happiness is at stake.  Be willing to raise the standards.  Isn't your daughter worth it?

Assuming he has made it through school and college, you know he was probably educated by liberal educators with major lackings in several areas.  Unfortunately, most all schools and colleges today have forgotten what business they are in - that of training children to be future productive individuals in society - both in their personal lives as well as society as a whole.  Look at the hate, strive, contention and family and people breakups as well as rampant lies, deception, me-only attitudes in society today vs. a few decades ago as a quick confirmation.  Instead, schools and colleges are well known pleasure-seeking sex-filled and immoral not teaching how to live life  with true values  for the benefit of the whole but more how to earn a living within certain guidelines of mediocrity.  

The graduates today, unfortunately for the most part, probably lack REAL training in the art of everything needed in how to really  LIVE life - sound human relations, rock-solid finances, the big-picture in why are human beings - male and female - here on earth and our roles as human beings while critical knowledge of history of nations that continually repeats itself over and over again were never taught.  They probably have no clue about the BIG picture.  What is truly meaningful and beneficial, which comes from experience and age and things not taught in "formal" education today.  They were not taught how to THINK.

Their concept of life after school/college today is all too often live in physical pleasures for the moment while working at some job because that is the thing to do.  They probably have had their egos and vanities built to unrealistic levels focusing on self and what's-in-it-for-me interests.  

This may fly in the face of the politically correct but I don't care what others think of me.  If I truly love my daughter, then I want the truth and a relationship FOR HER that is with as few "obstacles", rocky-roads, challenges, trials, confrontations or whatever anyone would care to call periods of unhappinesses (some call them marital fights).  I want peace, prosperity and blessings galore FOR HER.

More and more studies are coming out indicating "modern" permissive psychology and teaching methods have churned out major problem children with the current generation considered "a lost generation".  The "old-fashioned" disciplined methods with wife/mother at home full time, that is with few exceptions, are still proven to be the best.  They have and still do produce the best results.  The best future all-around adults.  Therefore, I need to ask penetrating questions to find the true inner character of this "potential".  She is after all, my precious daughter.

You are NOT looking for the potential date/boyfriend to agree with YOU or to be like YOU but that they are compatible WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.  Yes, she is the focus.  She is special.  Yes, she is YOUR daughter.  Yes, you may not even have the best relationship with your daughter.  BUT, you - if you are a true loving father - still want the best for her EVEN if whatever she chooses is different than what you would choose.  She IS NOT YOU and needs to be herself.  I repeat - she is NOT you.  So you have to think ABOUT HER and HER future.  Understand that during the early adult years she may change several times and then settle down around age 28 to 35.  Project out as well this boy's future as he will change also during this same age bracket.  As they mature, will they still be compatible?  That is the question.

She may not understand and probably WILL NOT understand what you are doing with these questions until later in life, if ever, and that is ok.  Your wife may not understand either and that is also ok.  

Remember, you have experiences (your own in your own personal life and your profession and those of others you've observed - directly and indirectly).  You have knowledge (both theory and practical).  You have age as you are older than your daughter.  Wisdom partly comes with age and therefore you will ALWAYS have more than your daughter regardless of how old either of you may become.  And whether she thinks you don't have any or not.

She does not have your - a man's - perspective and as a young adult thinks  she knows everything  like every other young adult.  She thinks how little dad knows and is sooooooo old-fashioned.  She may forget you too were young once as well.  

You have learned there are certain "old-fashioned" things that DO stay the same for true long-term happiness and joy and peace.  Being young and really immature as children are in their dating years, you know she does not and may never see what you do until it is too late.  But if you love your daughter then you want the best for HER and will help her get that which is the best for her, whether she realizes it or not.  Long-term.  Not for short-term pleasures of the moment.  You will also attempt to PREVENT "some" things youth may THINK they want but later on learn were actually harmful and wished they hadn't experienced.  

As a father, it is YOUR responsibility to direct the path of YOUR children even though you cannot force them to go that route.  You can encourage, suggest, recommend, direct and then tell them "If you won't listen, you will feel."  Then, allow them to feel while being available when they fall down ... regardless of their age.

Hence, you want to "interview" with THAT objective in mind - an immature vanity-filled know-it-all yet still lacking critical skills called being a youth.  Find out about the early upbringing and the family "the potential" was reared in.  Learn  how he thinks.  A profound statement to consider - the father of future action with your daughter is thought which has been formed years ago in his youth and developing more recently but not yet perfected.

Keep in mind, as a former financial professional, I've learned there are no schools nor colleges that teach money management or how to manage money so this really is a fantastic question that tells a LOT.

The car is a major indication these days of "out of the mouth the heart shall speak" paraphrasing an attitude of what the Good Book says.

In the same manner, look at their clothes as their clothes tell a lot about the individual - a slob or someone that knows how to dress for success.  Is he clean, neat, organized and does he take care of himself and present himself well?  Does it appear as if this is the "normal" him or a "put-on-meet-dad" him?  He does or should know he IS meeting "dad" so how is he coming to "the meeting"?

How is his speech and his communication?  Does he come across with proper respect, honor and "class" that he should or is he full of himself using gutter slang promoting himself boldly with a me-only first attitude of I'm-going-through-this-idiotic-meeting-out-of-necessity-to-get-what-I-want?  How does he sit in the chair and where are his eyes?  Does he move all over the place fidgeting communicating uncomfortableness?

You may want to read some books on body language, such as Kinesics: The Power of Silent Command by Merlyn Cundiff;  Body Language by Julius Fast;  Body Talk - The Science of Kinesics by Maude Poiret;  How to Read a Person Like a Book by Gerard I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero.  These let you know what the person says through their body as the body DOES speak  MUCH LOUDER  than the actual words used ... if you know how to read the body for all it's worth.  The more books and courses such as Dale Carnegie's Human Relations on and about human nature you read and take, the more you can read the person even before he opens his mouth.  These books will help in other areas of life as well.

My Objective

My goal with these 5 questions was to find out about the individual.  Who he is and how he thinks and how he was raised.  What his likes and dislikes are.  What are his strengths and his weaknesses.  Not only currently but  especially  his formative early years which sets the tone for his later years in life.  Will he be a long-term boyfriend or future husband or short-term one leaving a wake in his departure?  Divorce is NOT a great option, even in a friendly one.  Is he practical thinking long-term future or foolish thinking short-term for the moment pleasure?

Then after the initial "discussion" with any "potential" boyfriend, my intent was to let them know the rules of dating my daughter.  For example, when a deadline is stated, that means that is when my daughter HAS to be inside the house here at home.  Not on her way home.  Not a minute late either.  If he touches my daughter in ANY improper way, he will lose his ... well ... his manhood.  I won't play games.  I'm serious.  In other words, he will wish he hadn't.  These were my intentions.

Her upbringing

My daughter is extremely special and I expect anyone around her will treat her as such.  She is an "expensive high-maintenance" commodity, if you wish.  A true lady with great upbringing.  I expect others to look at her as I do.  Special.  Very special.  She is not perfect as no human being is.  That is a given.  She also may not know all her escapades that you know as most fathers know about their children and can speculate about others whether you use that knowledge or not.  As I told my daughter "Even though I am not there, my eyes and ears are."   She probably hopes you don't know and will never find out.  But the fact is you do know and still love her and want the best FOR HER.

I know I'm not perfect either and I know I don't want her to repeat some of my "blunders" of youth or adult years or worse.  In many ways I'd love to do over some of what I've done.  She IS extremely unique and special in the fullest sense of the term as best as I've been able to do in an imperfect way.  

Maybe I have or had rose-colored glasses but this was how I viewed her and attempted to raise her with my wife.  Even if imperfectly.  As an adult, she makes her own decisions and must face the consequences for those decisions - good or bad.

She was taught early on the one who ends up with her would acquire something worth waiting for and going out of his way for.  Delayed gratification of the highest order.  Unique in this day and age of political correctness of anything goes.  Anything does NOT go in my house.  When it comes to MY daughter, I personally didn't care about political correctness. 

She was raised to know that he would be special himself for waiting.  For holding himself out for her.  Especially if he passed the interview test.  She was expected to love him like few women ever do to their husbands anymore ... for life ... till death do them part.  That is how she was raised early in her formative years.  Again, as best we could.

So these 5 questions were designed to separate out those individuals, quite frankly ... discriminate against certain potential boyfriends/dates ... , so only those "potentials" might begin the dating process potentially giving a taste of the different types of companions there are in the world - good, bad, ugly (and not meant in physical features but in character traits which produces long-term happiness).   Perhaps one might even lead to a future husband that is compatible with her.  

In other words, to enjoy in the dating process whomever might become her future husband ahead of time while still maintaining the "proper" respect, honor, and dating relationship.  

That is what these questions were designed to do.

Read this as an example of where I am coming from.  These two were married almost 50 years till death did them part.  They were very happy in dire struggling poverty for 28 years as well as in wealth with over 200 million dollars annual income from an international organization he founded well into their marriage and 50 years before he died an old man of 93.  Their relationship IS a true model to follow or at least attempt to follow.

Bottom Line to the Interview

As Dale Carnegie taught - give a person a reputation to live upto and most often they will.  Therefore, young man - have I made myself clear?  I'm very serious, old fashioned, politically UNcorrect and don't mind who knows it.  I won't play games.  She is my daughter.  She is extremely special, even though VERY different than me.  You are interested in dating HER - not me.  These are the rules.  Do you still want my blessing to date her?

A Little Digression

Please allow me a little digression.  When I say I am old fashioned and politically UNcorrect, I believe in The Bible and what it teaches.  I have proven it accurate beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It does teach EVERYBODY has an incredible potential even though they are different.  Yet there are different "groups" or types of people.  None better nor worse than another.  Just different with different traits and characteristics and if left in their own "groups" then each can excel within that "group" and be fantastically complimentary to other "groups".  That is not meant in a negative nor a put-down but extremely positive encouraging way.

Also within each group there are some that have been raised with love in their heart and others with hate.  In the interest of working in harmony WITH The Great God of the entire universe as I know Him through His Bible, then it was my intention NOT to allow my daughter to date just anybody but those raised as she was raised.  Otherwise, those beliefs I cherish and she was raised with will be watered down or worse and go by the wayside.

As a simple but totally different analogy one could ask which is more valuable - a mongrel mutt or a pedigree with all-the-papers poodle?  Rumor has it that my daughter's roots can be traced from a line of kings all the way back to King David of Ancient Israel.

By The Way

By the way, my daughter is still with that boyfriend she, as an adult, brought home to be interviewed.  Much later, her comment to me about my "5 Questions" was "I thought you should know that the 5 questions found a winner."  They are now married having as she said "cemented their life-long commitment to each other."

She IS different than I am and IS her own person responsible for her decisions.  Her future is in her own decisions.  I've tried to guide her upbringing as best as I know how to prevent as many "heartache challenges" as possible, yet in the end, she is she.  

Has she listened to everything dad said?  No.  That is what I knew and expected ahead of time.  Becoming an adult, she has earned the right to experience the results of her own decisions.  But if I could during her formative years set the direction while she was still young and then remain patiently available the rest of my life should she want or seek advice/help, then lots of the big major problems will be eliminated while she experiences the little things.  Unfortunately, I see some major things she will still "feel" yet in the future.  Things neither she nor he has any clue about yet.  They are still learning maturity...

So...

These 5 questions were my way of ferreting out potential happiness and greatness for my daughter with prospective men.  

I offer the above for YOUR consideration for YOUR daughter as a co-worker and I were discussing these questions for our daughters.